I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
