I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
