bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
