So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I wish you could order shots online.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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