do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
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Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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