i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
