I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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