I wish I could punch you in the face.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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