Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Randomize
