You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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