someone get that fucking seahorse.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
