at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
