I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
