I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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