My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
