We're facebook friends in real life
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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