it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
