Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
