I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
