evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
