Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
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