I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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