things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
