i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
