It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
