Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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