Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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