you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
