I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish my penis had a tongue
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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