she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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