so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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