are you so shy because you have an std?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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