Are we in a gay sports bar?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
