Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize