thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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