Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
