It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
