Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
