I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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