Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am midnight drunk by noon
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
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no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
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He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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