One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
