i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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