I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
