Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
