Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
