remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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