i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
