the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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