Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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