I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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