If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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