Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I wear drunk well.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
