I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
