I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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