i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
