found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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