booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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