I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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