no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
