Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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