I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Did I show you my penis last night?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
