I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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