dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
