Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
