i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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